<during sex>

Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?

Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.

Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.

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{discussing wedding dresses}
CW1: I had mine preserved.
CW2: I donated mine to a charity. You?
Me: I used mine as kindling for a bonfire.


When men ask me my age:

If I were a bottle of wine you couldn’t afford me and if I were a bottle of whiskey you couldn’t handle me.


* Finds what I’m looking for

* Can’t remember why I was looking


“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”


[first date]

Her: I absolutely love animals

Me: me too, they’re delicious


Calm down hipsters who clear your throats while pronouncing hummus. You bought it at Whole Foods, not a bazaar in Marrakech.


On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.


“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”

Sir are you a shark in disguise?

*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*


Goddammit, the only meat we’ve had in months has spoiled

Goddammit, there’s a seed in this watermelon


12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?

Me: Because I love you.