Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
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There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
My favorite sport is jumping into conclusions
The question is not what am I doing in your house, the question is why are you home from work early?
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
Girlfriend said she felt she looked fat, tired, and ugly. Said she needed a compliment. I told her that her eyesight was nearly flawless.
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
My son has the ability to predict what will happen in the future and later explain why it didn’t happen. I think I’m raising a politician.
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.