[during sex]

ME: I’m Italian, how about you?

HER: Finnish

ME: Ok sure just give me a second

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My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.


Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese


How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?


Police officer: You get to make one phone call.

Me: Do I have to?


I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter


“You’re just like me, trash!”
-My toddler, quoting Toy Story 4 completely out of context, to random strangers


Me: Weaknesses? Oh, I’d say not relating well to other sentient beings.
-I meant about the janitor job.
Me: Oh ya, I don’t know how to sweep


7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?

Me: I’m going to be completely hones-

7: *begins crying*

Me: Daddy did. He totally did.