My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
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Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
For the baby who has everything
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
“You’re just like me, trash!”
-My toddler, quoting Toy Story 4 completely out of context, to random strangers
Me: Weaknesses? Oh, I’d say not relating well to other sentient beings.
-I meant about the janitor job.
Me: Oh ya, I don’t know how to sweep
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.