[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
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Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems