@QwertyJones3

[during sex]

ME: I’m Italian, how about you?

HER: Finnish

ME: Ok sure just give me a second

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@meganamram

Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves

@zorgod

There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.

@Mouthy_

My favorite sport is jumping into conclusions

@jamitupin

The question is not what am I doing in your house, the question is why are you home from work early?

@rebrafsim

[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages

@BigBBanter

Girlfriend said she felt she looked fat, tired, and ugly. Said she needed a compliment. I told her that her eyesight was nearly flawless.

@CAshmanActor

her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours

JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*

@LucTabone

My son has the ability to predict what will happen in the future and later explain why it didn’t happen. I think I’m raising a politician.

@Darlainky

God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.

Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.

God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.

@AndyAsAdjective

My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.