@patnspankme

(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.

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@NikkiGlaser

Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.

@ericsshadow

6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes

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6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes

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@AmishPornStar1

I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…

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@KimmyMonte

*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into

@juliussharpe

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@DaddyJew

[getting dating advice from my dad]

Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid

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@daemonic3

WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit

ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?

@HelloCullen

There is nothing stopping a condom company from saying they are the only condoms worn by Santa Claus