Ok I just started watching House M.D.:nn1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?n2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
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Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
I’m scared to go to sleep tonight knowing some maniac is running around out there slightly deflating footballs.
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
There is nothing stopping a condom company from saying they are the only condoms worn by Santa Claus