(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.

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Ok I just started watching House M.D.:nn1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?n2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?


Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.


6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes

6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes

6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes

6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes

6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open


I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…

But all they sent me was her underwear.


*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into


I’m scared to go to sleep tonight knowing some maniac is running around out there slightly deflating footballs.


[getting dating advice from my dad]

Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid

“Well which one is it?”


WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit

ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?


There is nothing stopping a condom company from saying they are the only condoms worn by Santa Claus