(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
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My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.