[during sex]

Me: So do you LIKE like me or

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Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.

Her: You mean panic attacks?

Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop


Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities

Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?


flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm

my parents at 4 am:


Im sorry I yelled “GARY LIKED STAR WARS EPISODE ONE” when the pastor asked if anyone knew of a reason why you and Gary shouldn’t be married


[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous

[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death


Got so high last night we searched for my friend for half an hour while he helped us look


COP: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “So it wouldn’t be windy when we talked.”


We’ve all been talking about your paranoia.