[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
You Might Also Like
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try