[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
You Might Also Like
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?