[During sex]

Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?

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Friend: check out my conscience shell

Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*

Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing


Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.


I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.


April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.


When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already


*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance


Getting that beach body is easy. You just have to know where to dig.


“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.


Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?

This is God thanking them for bacon.


Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.