@GingerHotDish

[During sex]

Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?

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@decentbirthday

Friend: check out my conscience shell

Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*

Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing

@justabloodygame

Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.

@JustMeTurtle

I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.

@NotthatAdamWest

April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.

@shopkins776

When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already

@roboticcrab

*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance

@NotSoFastDiet

Getting that beach body is easy. You just have to know where to dig.

@girlwithatail

“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.

@Carbosly

Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?

This is God thanking them for bacon.

@TheRobCee

Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.