[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
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To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
me hitting on a model
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
🙂🙃🥹
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me