Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
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Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
Born to be mild.
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
A Match(.com), but for socks.
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills