Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
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Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
looks legit
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME