@Social_Mime

*During sex*

Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.

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@SamuelHLowe

– I’m your son’s teacher and I’m calling to tell you that he may be a compulsive liar.
– And a damn good one. I don’t have any sons.

@RealSudoNim

I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.

@sarcasticmommy4

My son said he’d do something in a minute.

So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.

@FatherWithTwins

I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”

@MrEd_EVH

Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.

-thug life

@dafloydsta

[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony

@ndiquote

[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*

@OtherDanOBrien

[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*

@Terdoh

If you’re in a Mexican prison, “Jesus loves you” might not be very comforting words…