*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
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*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”