*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
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ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
so weird how every mom was born today
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.