When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
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“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
Shortcut
Shark week, but for squirrels.
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
need him
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.