[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
You Might Also Like
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
sensitive skin
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.