During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
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Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
This made me smile…
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”