During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
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I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.