Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
During the zombie apocalypse I strap my Fitbit to an ever-wandering cadaver to beat all my friends’ step counts.
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Dropping 11yo off at school.
11yo: Take Lankershim home, there will be less traffic.
Me: But then I’ll pass a McDonalds and I’ll want to stop.
11yo: You’ve only got about 40 years left. Live your life.
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
I always buy a woman a popsicle on the first date to get a feel for how things might go later.
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
A coworker told me she was “catching up on her correspondence” so apparently it’s 1932 here at my workplace.
I hate when I meet a beautiful woman and have to leave bc someone who beat me in a rap battle is walking my way