If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
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There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?