@markhoppus

During the zombie apocalypse I strap my Fitbit to an ever-wandering cadaver to beat all my friends’ step counts.

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@daemonic3

Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos


727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin

@avainwordland

Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.

Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ

@_GrahamPatrick

PARTY GUEST: So, how did you two meet?
HUSBAND: Oh, it’s a bit of a fairytale, right darling?
[wife is clearly a wolf in a dress]
WIFE: Yes.

@rockymomax

PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys

@Cheeseboy22

After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”

@stevevsninjas

Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.

@GregDorris

I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.

@AntoKenya

A Couple of underscores is to a couple of underscores? Ok. RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.

@ky_chu

Who called it death by autoerotic asphyxiation and not final fantasy