During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
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Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
B
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
Probably my best painting.
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.