Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
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ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.