sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
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He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I鈥檓 patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you鈥檙e wrong everyone鈥檚 dead anyway
A duv-egg? In this economy?
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn鈥檛 read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let鈥檚 move this along, future boy
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I鈥檓 not about that life anymore.
馃槶馃槶馃槶馃槶馃槶馃槶馃槶馃槶馃槶
I’m sorry, I鈥檓 about to lose you because I鈥檓 driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
Based on 2020 thus far, I鈥檓 expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald鈥檚 bathroom, that鈥檚 a hurlfriend.
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
Never go to sleep after making me angry
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
Unexpected Judgment