During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.

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Sorry but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.


If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.


I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.


*gets hit by a car*

Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”

Me: “Please… I need my… phone”

*opens Twitter*



Coworker: What’s so funny

M: Twitter

Cw: Oh! I’m on there, what’s your @

M: I meant twizzlers..

Cw: You’re looking at your phone.



Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend


That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.


I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.


Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”

Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”


“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me