@mejustbeth

During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.

You Might Also Like

@KimmyMonte

Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time

@FeelingEuphoric

WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?

ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well

@SortaBad

[speed dating]
her: I really want to have a child some day. What about you?
me: define “child”

@mom_ontherocks

9: Can I rent an otter?

Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now

@ErrenMichaels

You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.

@RoosterMustache

[enter password]

mypulloutgame

[password weak]

All 8 of my kids: daddy why are u crying

@truegritrumble

CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.

HANSEL: He seems nice.

GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.

@unravelingfire

Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED