During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.

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Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time


WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?

ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well


[speed dating]
her: I really want to have a child some day. What about you?
me: define “child”


9: Can I rent an otter?

Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now


You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.


[enter password]


[password weak]

All 8 of my kids: daddy why are u crying


CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.

HANSEL: He seems nice.

GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.


Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED