@mejustbeth

During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.

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@Rollinintheseat

Sorry but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.

@carlyken

If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.

@1evilidiot

I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.

@shadesof666

*gets hit by a car*

Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”

Me: “Please… I need my… phone”

*opens Twitter*

Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”

@GeauxSaints79

Coworker: What’s so funny

M: Twitter

Cw: Oh! I’m on there, what’s your @

M: I meant twizzlers..

Cw: You’re looking at your phone.

M:…

@mattytalks

Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend

@Contwixt

That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.

@meghaffer

I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.

@iinkedZombie

Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”

Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”

@JohnLyonTweets

“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me