@TodaysResume

During your interview, try ending every sentence with “dot jpg”.

“How would you say you handle job pressure?”

–Not a problem.jpg

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@novicefather

3yo: make me oatmeal

me: *poof* you’re oatmeal

3yo:

me: *makes oatmeal

@AmishPornStar1

Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?

Just me?

@Darlainky

There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.

@mrnickharvey

Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.

@MavenofHonor

The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war

@ellorysmith

when I said I was doing “the Lord’s work” I meant arbitrarily passing judgment on people.

@SuperJuanderer

What idiot called them swordfish instead of… oh, no, wait, actually that’s pretty good.

@man_spach

When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.