“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
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THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.