Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
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my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
What kind of a cult is this?
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume