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@ColoradoUgly

If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.

@delsinsfire

There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD

1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II

2) Smork Dirtbag

@vanluvz1

I love the gym this time of year.
The newbies make me look like a Victoria Secret model.

@SteveSuckington

Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?

Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength

@Sophie2078

Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…

@justmiche74

“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon

@MableGertrude

It’s funny how you become mom’s new favorite when your sibling is in jail.

@duplicitron

*returns four pounds of skirt steak to butcher* I’m sorry. This just doesn’t fit me like I thought it would.

@smithsara79

Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?

Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?

Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*