Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…

*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp

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“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.


[therapist] what seems to be the problem?
[her] he only hears what he wants to hear. It’s awful
[me] oh my god yes, I would love a waffle


If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.


[Noah’s Ark]
Noah: How will the animals reproduce?
God: You took a male & female, right?


My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?

Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.


Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.


Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.


I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.


It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this


Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.