Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
You Might Also Like
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’