Dyslexics are teople poo!
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Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.