@TheWriteStuff2u

Dyslexics are teople poo!

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@kentgrossarth

Girlfriend: Have you ever been with a fat chick?
Me: Nope, you’re the first one.
Gf: What?
Me: What?

@Love_bug1016

[first date]

him: I’m a cat person.

me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand

@eddie_ferrero

[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]

INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.

ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.

INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.

@shawnries

Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.

@TheAverageShark

Swim swim swim breach surface fly through air catch seagull swim nom nom nom swim swim

@JLazySAngus

Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”

Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”

@Tommytoughstuff

[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”

@Bexdora

KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!

@Marcmywords2

Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.

Court starts Monday.

@FirecrackerKatt

I am just looking for a man that will love on me and tell me I am pretty and not ask questions when I ask for help digging a body sized hole in the woods.