@TheWriteStuff2u

Dyslexics are teople poo!

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@jazmasta

Goodnight moon, goodnight stars. Goodnight weird guy who walks past my house on crutches every night. Goodnight house on crutches.

@jus4golf

You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.

I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.

@UnFitz

Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.

@ArfMeasures

Me: I’ve brought a urine sample

Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample

Me: There was a lot of traffic

@ArfMeasures

GF: What’s my biggest flaw?

ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you

GF: No come on, I mean pacifically

ME: We should split up

@KimmyMonte

Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.

@ValeeGrrl

37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.