@TheWriteStuff2u

Dyslexics are teople poo!

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@OMGSoOverIt

(First date)

Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …

@jenlaw_11

Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.

@garrettbarry70

There’s nothing more exciting than waking up with a half eaten burger in your hand.

@dumbbeezie

My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it

@stephenjmolloy

Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”

Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”

Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”

@drinksmcgee

If you’re going to lie about where you’re from, at least try to make it sound like a real place and not something fake like “New Zealand”

@dorsalstream

[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.

@Quartzjixler

If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.