Girlfriend: Have you ever been with a fat chick?
Me: Nope, you’re the first one.
Dyslexics are teople poo!
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him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
Swim swim swim breach surface fly through air catch seagull swim nom nom nom swim swim
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.
Court starts Monday.
I am just looking for a man that will love on me and tell me I am pretty and not ask questions when I ask for help digging a body sized hole in the woods.