Just act like he’s not here.
Dyslexics are teople poo!
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Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
There’s nothing more exciting than waking up with a half eaten burger in your hand.
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
If you’re going to lie about where you’re from, at least try to make it sound like a real place and not something fake like “New Zealand”
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.