E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
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I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
SF is the wild wild west man
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”