grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
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Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
i made a craigslist ad !
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!
Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.