@professorkiosk

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*dolphin diving off a cliff*

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@AshleyFrankly

Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.

@TheWidowmakerX

Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?

Me: Yes

@peteholmes

i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.

@RidiculousDak

When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything

@jrza84

I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.

@TragicAllyHere

A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE

@HomeProbably

This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.

@unmehlievable

[First day as a Scientist]

Boss: We need some petrified wood

Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*

@SaddestTiger

im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!

@DaddyJew

Wife: how did you get all of these groceries so cheap?

Husband: I just used the buy one get one free line

Wife: you mean the self check out line?

Husband:

Wife:

Husband:

Wife:

Husband: I think we need to move