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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
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Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong