E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
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Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
Here’s a meme
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
That’s incredible! 👌
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”