If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
E-incense to mask e-joint e-odor.
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Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
Dance like you’re not the father
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.