@HumorParasite

E-incense to mask e-joint e-odor.

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@crunchenhanced

If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”

You can avoid every meeting.

You’re welcome.

@AnkCoupleTO

[doing crossword]

Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks

@birbigs

Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.

@mochanya

I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.

@WilliamAder

So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?

@AtticusFinch79

🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶

*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*

Him: Is that a new shampoo?

@UnFitz

Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.

Hamster: Poor baby.