@BoomBoomBetty

E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.

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@robfee

There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:

@UnFitz

Fantasy:

We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.

Her side is mined.

@oigoabuya

Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..

@BFNotAllowed

My boyfriend isn’t allowed to break up with me. You wanna see other people? Look out the window.

@Sarcasticsapien

I only discriminate against people who discriminate. I’m basically the Dexter of discrimination.

@Home_Halfway

Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.

@daemonic3

*gets down on one knee*

Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?

@randypaint

billy joel: she’s an uptown girl

me: where has she been living

billy joel: ur not gonna believe this