E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.

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There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:



We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.

Her side is mined.


Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..


My boyfriend isn’t allowed to break up with me. You wanna see other people? Look out the window.


I only discriminate against people who discriminate. I’m basically the Dexter of discrimination.


Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.


*gets down on one knee*

Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?


billy joel: she’s an uptown girl

me: where has she been living

billy joel: ur not gonna believe this