E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
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The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?