i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
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How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.