Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
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13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!