Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
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you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
Denise please return my vape pen
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.