Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.

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They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…

*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*


Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?


ME: I dreamed about you last night

PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir


My biggest weakness is that I’m too literal
“That’s fine. Your resume looks good, welcome aboard!”
*turns to whiteboard* welcome


I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.


me: genocide is bad

guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?

me: it’s not

guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is

me: a-are those laminated


[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities


Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.


Netflix: Are you still watching?

Me: Yes.

Netflix: Have you showered today?

Me: Um, I …

Netflix: And use soap this time.