Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
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ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
Sunday
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility