Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
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people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on