[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
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my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
Dating Tips
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.