Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
You Might Also Like
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.