Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
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This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
#CoronaOutbreak
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
My hips? Compulsive liars.
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.