Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
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Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em