Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
You Might Also Like
How it started How it’s going
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
Imagine having a party on purpose.
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?