@UncleDuke1969

Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.

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@capnwatsisname

[2287 AD]

Omg: dad, where did our names come from?

Karen: the algorithm, son

Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm

Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*

@junejuly12

Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.

@PinkCamoTO

H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?

Me: … … … Yes.

@SamNonTheWiser

Cinnamon Toast Crunch’s PR team have moved quickly to get ahead of the situation

@GrantTanaka

If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son

@poutinesmoothie

Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.

@suburbanified

Every Halloween I turn on Unchained Melody, and sit in front of a pottery wheel in the hopes that Patrick Swayze will return.

@sixfootcandy

Husband: Should we hit the gym today?

Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?

@shegotagronk

The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.

@DylanGelula

youre telling me life is just about moving around during the day and then lying motionless at night? like some kind of backwards night at the museum?