@UncleDuke1969

Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.

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@fillthevacuum

“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”

– me, as a proctologist

@mela_shea

I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.

@TweetPotato314

interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure

vanilla ice: *squinting* no

@Phook75

My wife has been in the bathroom for almost 25 minutes.
Im basically a single dad now

@Contwixt

It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.

Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.

@LivibelsDada

Anyone who says having a child is the best moment of their life has obviously never had two mars bars fall out of a vending machine at once.

@Donna_McCoy

I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.

@nbadag

okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?

*room chuckles*

*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith

@GingerHotDish

Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.

Me: Red is the color of love tho.

@DanMentos

“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”