Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.

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Omg: dad, where did our names come from?

Karen: the algorithm, son

Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm

Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*


Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.


H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?

Me: … … … Yes.


Cinnamon Toast Crunch’s PR team have moved quickly to get ahead of the situation


If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son


Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.


Every Halloween I turn on Unchained Melody, and sit in front of a pottery wheel in the hopes that Patrick Swayze will return.


Husband: Should we hit the gym today?

Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?


The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.


youre telling me life is just about moving around during the day and then lying motionless at night? like some kind of backwards night at the museum?