The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
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(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.