Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
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Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
guys I’m going home
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat