Earlier today I thought I needed a divorce but it turns out I was just hungry.

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if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?


Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.

Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.


“I always keep a textbook with me when I hook up with girls so there’s no walk of shame I’m an early morning scholar #3.9GPA” – NSU


People who try to prepare for the end of the world are obviously misunderstanding the core concept.


Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.


Mother’s may get a day, but shark’s get a whole week!

Mom sharks get 1 week AND a day.

…don’t even get me started on black shark moms.


Wife: “Bad day?”

Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”

Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”


It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.



one time this girl pulled me close & said “I’m the girl your mom warned you about” & I said “so you chose bulbasaur as your starter pokemon”