if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
Earlier today I thought I needed a divorce but it turns out I was just hungry.
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Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
“I always keep a textbook with me when I hook up with girls so there’s no walk of shame I’m an early morning scholar #3.9GPA” – NSU
People who try to prepare for the end of the world are obviously misunderstanding the core concept.
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
Mother’s may get a day, but shark’s get a whole week!
Mom sharks get 1 week AND a day.
…don’t even get me started on black shark moms.
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
one time this girl pulled me close & said “I’m the girl your mom warned you about” & I said “so you chose bulbasaur as your starter pokemon”