Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
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Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*