@Ygrene

Early Bird: *gets worm*

Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*

Early Bird: SONOFA

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@TheHyyyype

[ice fishing]

*pulling on rod* whoa nelly that’s a big ice

@onion_an

1st date: I love the spiderman movies

Me: So do I

[thinking of something to say to impress her]

Me: I used to be a spider

@WhaJoTalkinBout

[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much

@MelKassel

GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM

@Marlebean

[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.

Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?

@djdarrellripley

When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…

@hazelmotes1

I read an article about a stolen dog being reunited with its owner and it made me feel good to think maybe someone will steal my dog one day