Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
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Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
kevin is now a local weatherman
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND