*pulling on rod* whoa nelly that’s a big ice
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
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This chick has zero faith in me as a human person
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
I need to stop Binge thinking.
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.
Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
I read an article about a stolen dog being reunited with its owner and it made me feel good to think maybe someone will steal my dog one day
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well