@prufrockluvsong

early man: made primitive tools from stone

late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing

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@anne_theriault

Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly

Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it

@GimmieTheHam

The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999

@MikeBigby

u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad

@noodlegrip

[First date]
Her:

Me: [thinking girls like responsibility] I’ve got a license

Her:

Me: [but also danger] to kill

Her:

Me: [but not red flags] ducks

Her: [secretly two ducks in a little black dress] *nervously puts down one of the never ending breadsticks*

@_squiggz

genie: your first wish?

me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

genie:

me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

genie:

me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

@Megatronic13

My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead

@SirEviscerate

ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!

@honeybadgerMel

Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.