Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
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“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
This guy’s not having it 😆
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration